When clients begin EMDR therapy, one of the first things we focus on together is strengthening the internal resources that support your nervous system, sense of safety, and ability to stay anchored in the present. One of the most powerful, and often overlooked, resources is self-compassion.
Many people arrive in therapy believing that being hard on themselves is necessary, motivating, or simply “how they’ve always coped.” But when you’re doing EMDR, especially when working through trauma or deeply held negative beliefs, harsh self-judgment can keep your nervous system in a defensive state. It can also make it harder for your brain to access the adaptive information needed for healing.
Self-compassion is not self-indulgence, self-pity, or pretending everything is fine. It is a skill and manner of relating to yourself with the same warmth, patience, and understanding you would naturally offer to someone you care about.
And in EMDR, it plays a vital role.
Self-Compassion Helps Regulate the Nervous System
Before we process trauma, we work on creating enough internal stability for you to stay within your window of tolerance. Self-compassion supports:
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Polyvagal regulation
Harsh self-talk often triggers protective states, such as fight, flight, or freeze. Self-compassion signals safety and can gently shift your system toward a more regulated, grounded state. -
Emotional resilience
When difficult emotions arise, a compassionate inner voice helps you stay present with them instead of pushing them away or becoming overwhelmed. -
Softening shame
Shame is one of the biggest blockers in EMDR. Self-compassion loosens shame’s grip so that you can approach memories with openness rather than self-blame.
Self-Compassion Strengthens Adaptive Information (AIP)
EMDR relies on your brain’s natural ability to reprocess old experiences and integrate new, healthier beliefs. For many clients, their baseline belief system leans toward:
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“I’m not good enough.”
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“It was my fault.”
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“I should have known better.”
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“I don’t deserve help.”
These negative cognitions can become deeply wired through trauma and repetition. Self-compassion introduces adaptive counterweights, such as:
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“I’m doing the best I can with what I’ve been through.”
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“I deserve care and support.”
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“What happened wasn’t my fault.”
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“It makes sense that I responded the way I did.”
These statements aren’t just “nice thoughts”. They set the foundation for the positive cognitions we install during EMDR processing. Without some degree of self-compassion, these healthier beliefs can feel foreign or even impossible to accept.
Self-Compassion Anchors You in the Present
During EMDR, we want your adult, resourced, present-day self to be the one who approaches old memories and not a younger version of you who felt helpless or alone. Self-compassion helps you access the part of you that can say:
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“I’m here now.”
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“I can handle this.”
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“I can comfort the younger part of me who went through this.”
This anchoring is what allows EMDR to feel safe, contained, and effective.
Self-Compassion Supports Cognitive Shifts
As processing takes place, your brain begins to re-evaluate old narratives through a new lens. This shift is far more likely to occur when your internal tone is gentle rather than critical.
Clients often report that once they begin practicing self-compassion:
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intrusive thoughts become softer
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catastrophizing decreases
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rigid self-beliefs begin to loosen
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emotional overwhelm reduces
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clarity increases
It’s not that self-compassion “fixes” anything on its own—it simply creates the inner environment where new patterns can take root.
Simple Ways to Build Self-Compassion Before EMDR
Here are a few practices we often use in preparation:
1. The Self-Compassionate Pause
When distress arises, pause and name what you’re feeling:
“This is really hard right now.”
Then offer warmth:
“I’m here for myself.”
2. Talk to Yourself Like You Would Talk to a Friend
If your best friend said what you’re saying to yourself, how would you respond?
Try using that voice internally.
3. Soothe Your Nervous System Physically
Place a hand on your chest, heart, or arm.
These gestures help shift your physiology toward safety.
4. Validate Your Own Emotional Logic
Instead of asking “Why am I like this?”, try:
“It makes sense I feel this way, given what I’ve been through.”
5. Let Your “Present Self” Reassure Younger Parts of You
This is especially helpful for clients using parts work.
You don’t need to fix the younger part—just accompany them.
Self-Compassion Isn’t a Bonus—It’s a Foundation
In EMDR, your healing is not dependent on willpower or perfection. It’s dependent on safety, curiosity, and compassion—the qualities that help your nervous system soften enough to process what once felt overwhelming.
Self-compassion prepares your brain and body for the transformative work ahead. It helps shift the inner dialogue from one of criticism to one of connection. And it builds the emotional scaffolding that allows EMDR to unfold in a grounded and sustainable way.
If you’re beginning EMDR—or preparing to—cultivating self-compassion is one of the most supportive things you can do for yourself. And you don’t have to do it alone. It's something we build together, one gentle step at a time.